Saturday, May 16, 2015

Three Long Years

Today I had a bit of time to myself while I'm sitting here at our camper. Hubby, the kids, and a friend decided to go into town for a movie because they were tired of the rain. I read for a while, but got restless. Then I sanded our deck floor a little bit until my knees got sore. Then I tried reading some more but couldn't get into it very well. My mind started's actually been wandering a lot lately. Then I remembered my blog and thought I would check it out and see what kind of crazy things I used to write about. Yep. Crazy. I will probably write more non-sensical stuff, but I feel like writing today.

Life has changed drastically since the last time I wrote. First, my mom ended up with cancer. Squamous cell lymphona of the tongue. During her surgery and treatment, I basically lived in the cities taking care of her while we 'lived' at the Hope Lodge. Then we got her well enough to go home. A year later hell broke loose again. My oldest brother was diagnosed with colon cancer, and my dad had a heart attack with triple bypass surgery. My brother went in for surgery and my dad was on the road to healing, only to find out months later that he had cancer. AMML (acute myeloid leukemia). Non-curable. Again, for a month at a time I stayed with my dad in the cities while he went through treatment, going into remission twice, but not staying there for long either time. This last November we discovered that the leukemia had come back for the second time, and even though we tried searching for other options in vain, there was nothing we could do. The horrible, hateful cancer took him away from us on a beautiful Saturday afternoon less than a month ago on April 18th. I started grieving for him the moment I got the call from my sister a year ago February telling us the diagnosis. I hurt for him; I ached. I cried; I became angry. During his last couple of days with us I couldn't even stop crying. I would cry in front of him, I would cry with others, I would cry by myself. Now that he's gone, I don't know what to think or feel. Most of the time I feel like I'm making it through, that I'm handling things well, then something reminds me of him and I re-live those last few days with him. Then it all becomes so fresh and raw again, and I have to try so hard to think about something else. I keep trying to tell myself that I am not the only one to ever lose their dad and that they have been able to continue on. My father-in-law passed away only two years after we married, so I know my husband has gone through it. It's a fact of life. But it just doesn't make sense.

My mom is doing well now, health-wise. She is missing my dad and posts things to his Facebook wall often. I know it's her way of dealing with losing her husband and I'm okay with that. His months away from home going through treatment taught her well on how to live alone, but it's still a hard adjustment for her. She says that she wants to FaceTime with him often and then remembers he's not in the cities.

I know The Lord will help my family through this and the pain of losing my dad will fade, but the memories thankfully will always be there. He was a special guy and always made me smile.